Thursday, February 08, 2007

Crank Emails

As a member of a recognised Astronomy department I occasionally get emails directly from cranks, I'm not sure what they're after really, presumably they just want someone with some modicum of credibility to agree with their theory. One such example hit my inbox today, here is the entire contents of the email.

Attachment contains:

Page 1 Initial Mass Displacements

Page 2 Universal Mass

Page 3 Solar System Plane Distances

Page 4 Galactic Mass

Frank Hatch

P.O. Box 50355

Eugene, Oregon 97405

I've included his address because he so obviously wants people to get in touch regarding his theory, so go ahead knock yourselves out, be polite though, he's probably nuts. He lives in Oregon and thinks about the Bible and the end of the world, which probably means he lives in the middle of a forest in a bunker packed with automatic weapons, worrying about the UN invading.

What goes through my mind when reading an email like that one above is something along these lines, "hmm new mail", "the words look like their scientific but they don't seem to mean anything when put together", "hmm", "do any professional scientists send unsolicited emails extolling their new theories?", "Er no", "CRANK ALERT, CRANK ALERT, CODE RED, CODE RED".

When you read the attached pdf (which can be found here) you'll see it contains some of the most incomprehensible numerology you will ever come across, something about this being a FINAL WARNING that the Earth/Hell is about to fall into null space, whatever the hell that is. It is mixed liberally with the usual quotes from the Bible, making it seem even more ridiculous. Oh and this is the second final warning I have got from Frank Hatch, I think traditionally this one is meant to have red paper or something. Next time I guess he'll send the bailiffs round.

Note: Its not all bad, Jim2 regards receiving his copy of this, his first crank email as something of a rite of passage for a young astronomer. Well done Jim2, today you are a man.


Anonymous said...

I just received this exact e-mail today, and I "googled" it to see what it was before I opened the attachment. Sounds like a crazy to me.

Mark Norris said...

Oh he is thoroughly nuts. If you read the attached pdf its a whole bunch of mad numerology and quotes from the Bible, throw in references to the end of the world and this guy is a solid 8 on the mentalist scale.

Sridhar said...

I, too, received this e-mail today, and Googled it to see what was going on. I'm not in any way related to astronomy, though; I'm a grad student in Logic. So I suppose poor Frank is widening his search for a receptive audience.

Lindsay Clark said...

Hmm, I got one today, and I'm a grad student in genetics.

Mark Norris said...

It would seem he is widening his net a little, does anyone actually understand a single thing he is talking about? I'd love to know what a grad student in logic thinks of it.

I have a feeling an awful lot of people are going to be getting that email.

Anonymous said...

Got this email today. I'm an undergrad in physics. The pdf has got to be the funniest thing I have read in a while.

Anonymous said...

I am a botanist and even I got it.

Casey said...

I am a psychologist. I am from Oregon. It makes complete sense that he is residing in Eugene--perfect place for a crazy person.

This guy should get in touch with Howard Bloom...I am sure that they would have tons to say to one another, no less fulfill eachother's insatiable need for attention!

Anonymous said...

he sent an email similar to this....but added that i should check my reservations in hell and mentioned something about orthodox judaism (bc i'm an orthodox jew). yikes a psycho

Jonathan said...

I just got this today. I am PhD student in math starting to work on Fractal Geometry. I too wanted to check on my reservation in Hell so I went to his website. I was saddened to find out that if you are interested in fractals, it probably means you are already in hell. Sounds like he had a bad acid trip while reading the New Testament and Russel's Paradox.

Kefka said...

I'm not even in college, just a sophmore in high school, and for some reason I got it today. I have no idea how he got my email address. I'm guessing he's just sending it to random addresses now.

icpalm said...

And I'm a grad student in math... I find it very amusing - he's picked up a bunch of math and physics terms and then given them his own meaning (I don't think he really knows what a null space is, for instance, but it has a pretty convenient intuitive connotation for his purposes).

Midwest Boy said...

Just got this today. I'm an anthropologist. I think Mr. Hatch's message can be simplified greatly. Most of us, especially those who receive the email, are going to hell. But that raises a crucial concern for astrophysics: is hell exothermic or endothermic? (There is a hilarious story about how this was answered by a college student, putatively on an essay exam. Hope you've read that.)

By the way, I have it on good account that there is a lot of "horse" in Eugene, OR. For those who don't know what "horse" is, Eric Clapton was addicted to it, until he started methadone treatments. There isn't any direct evidence that horse plays a role in Frank Hatch's reasoning, but the chances are possibly higher in Eugene than in most other locations.

Anonymous said...

I just got the Hatch email. I'm a grad in philosophy at Purdue.

Anonymous said...

I'm a Ph.D. student in geology with a background in astrophysics. I just received Mr. Hatch's email this morning. I must say that this is the best pseudo-physics website I have visited since I discovered Alex Chui's Eternal Life Device (

The animated stick person is a classy touch, but I particularly enjoyed this excerpt from Mr. Hatch's website:

"To begin working with a multidimensional system, you must use the tool given to you with your life: the objective/subjective thought paradox (i.e., perceiving from the outside in and perceiving from the inside out simultaneously). This paradox is a stereoscopic tool; without it you are half blind and you lose your depth. At your birth you were well exercised in this paradox; and as a young child, you could make use of it (Matthew 18:1-4). But when you learned Pride you short-circuited (resolved) the paradox and restricted your thinking to a closed system of analysis. Your superficial synthesis of the objective and subjective became your integrated personality, your security, your Absolute Idea, your idol. As you developed an erroneous definition of yourself and the human situation, you lost your ability to use the objective/subjective thought paradox as a tool and a gift."

Clearly, rejecting childhood fables has left us mired in reality, and this will damn us all. Long-live the paradox!

Anonymous said...

i'm a studio art grad student, and just received my 'warning' from hatch. hmm... not sure what kind of response he's expecting from the art community... i mean, wtf?

Anonymous said...

Kashi said...

Got my copy today :) genetics undergrad... physicists were clearly too closed-minded and bigoted for his tastes. I especially liked his numbers, all of which seem to be composed of a random number of 3's...

I probably shouldn't have emailed back, but it annoyed me slightly too much. Oh well!

Anonymous said...

Some lines there are fun, e.g.:
"In the beginning was the MS Word...." (John 1: 1) or the letter from Dubna. Give him a call, he needs help! Here is his google info:

Frank Hatch
(541) 343-1447
1961 Dogwood Dr,Eugene, OR 97405

Anonymous said...

No worries, he's still hunting the physics students. I'm a PhD student in physics and I just got it today.
I got another one of his, frankly very informative, mass mailings when I was an undergrad in engineering. Pretty sure that he's got all of the sciences covered.

I think you nailed it: lots of sciency words, they just don't seem to go together so well...but I did learn a lot about irrationality...

Anonymous said...

I work for a Federal agency whose core mission is to provide funding for scientific research. We have all received this email among many others like it. Honestly, if you have a few moments, you really should visit his site. It's completely harmless and it has a really neat and ironic animation.

Kaitlin Morrison said...

I just received mine and, naturally, I googled it. I'm a grad student in philosophy at WSU. How does he get our email addresses, anyway? Online, under faculty pages, perhaps?

Donovan S. Brain said...

Yeah, I got one too, and I'm a disembodied brain in a life-support tank. I've got one question for Mr Hatch, namely how exactly did you decide that Hell has twice the mass of Earth? Because if Hell and Earth are equally balanced, nothing will happen, and if Earth has twice the mass of Hell, then Hell will fall back into Earth and everyone there will be saved! And hey, I'll read Chesterton again if you'll read a textbook on abnormal psych, with emphasis on the chapters about exalted paranoia.

Emma said...

Got mine today. I'm a psychology undergrad at Durham, UK. Seems like he's just targeting random people now.

Anonymous said...

I got my share of his insanity today. Now his "ideas" are spreading in Germany. I am a special education Student in Berlin. I guess he would make a good case study ....

Anonymous said...

He's still at it, I'm a physics grad student and I got mine today.

Anonymous said...

Looks like Frank has moved on to chemists, because I just received this and I'm a grad student majoring in biochemistry.

Eddie said...

He's still at it. I received mine today (A Genetics dept in the UK btw).

sunny said...

undergraduate studying english in ohio...

Anonymous said...

I'm a gradstudent in Global Security (politics) I got one today

Anonymous said...

i study landscape architect with ecology and got one in my uni email inbox :S

Anonymous said...

I'm a grad student in social work - I have no idea why I got his email. He needs much more than any psychotherapy I could provide...

Anonymous said...

Just got this...Biophysics at a well-known university. I think he must just choose departments that he thinks have other crazy people and lots of atheists. Maybe he thought about hell spilling back into earth and wants to make sure we all know he tried to warn us. Scary point: When I googled Frank Hatch, something came up about running for congress in Eugene Oregon. I might look into this and if it's true, send all my money to the campaign of anyone else running for office.

Anonymous said...

I'm undeclared at Southwestern. I wonder how this guy is getting our information?

Anonymous said...

jajajaja I received this email a month ago. The most amazing thing is that I study in Germany. I was afraid of clicking the links but after I have read the comments I am more than curious, specially since Mr. Hatch has tried really hard by sending his theory even across the ocean.

Anonymous said...

Got an email from this crackpot today, labeled "3", like a horror film where you get 10 warnings and they kill you. I'm a grad student in physics in Israel. Maybe he looked for Israelis because of his religious ideas?

Ingrid said...

I got this email last night and I am a grad student in biomedical science at the university of Utrecht in the Netherlands. He certainly put a lot of work into this...

Anonymous said...

Canadian PhD student in neuroscience... got mine today.

Anonymous said...

Got Frank's mail today...
Canadian PhD student in ecology.

Anonymous said...

I got the email titled "3" yesterday. I'm a technician for a neurological research company. But he probably thinks I'm Jewish, since my last name is Moses and it's in my email.

Eli Bueno said...

I have gotten 2 from him, containing the same message, the same final warning, and I haven't even begun my classes for my freshman year at University of California, Irvine, where I plan to major in Criminology Law & Society

Anonymous said...

I got one a few days ago; people on here seem confused as to why Frank has targeted them, but I think Frank may have merely gotten hold of numerous University/High school directories and just spamming everyone on there, rather than be picking people out like a velocoraptor, or slenderman.

I am a super-intelligent cat created in a labatory experiment.

Anonymous said...

Got this today - studying Law as an undergrad so presumably am already in hell...

Crackpot indeed.

Anonymous said...

I've just received this email also. Even my email service recognized this guy as a crackpot, as it sent "3" directly to my Junk box.
I'm a psychology undergrad (minoring in sociology and statistics).

Anonymous said...

I got one few days ago, & I'm a PhD student in Botany at Cambridge, UK. I wonder how he got my email address!

Adam Rynczak said...

Got this today--undergrad in computer science. Maybe he's just trolling?

Annika said...

Bingo - received it today. Wonder why it hadn't been marked as spam by our servers. I'm PhD in high energy physics. Only last year "we" were suspected of turning earth into a black hole - guess, that makes us responsible for his earth falling into null space? I wonder why he keeps on sending this stuff for YEARS without even altering it - one should expect that he keeps working on his theory...

Anonymous said...

Hi I work in a library at a university in Australia (it is a sciences library though) and I have just received Frank's warning. I think it is either deeply disturbing or extremely funny or perhaps both. Either way someone should send a team of mental health professionals to check this dude out, I am reasonably certain he might need to reside in a more secure facility than his current location.

Peter Dieleman said...

Got it as well! What a piece of jibberish

Peter Dieleman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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Yeah, this dude is certifiably insane. He seems to like putting together random religious, spiritual, and scientific phrases in a way that's incomprehensible, and then if you don't understand his gibberish, he tells you that you're not using the "objective/subjective thought paradox"! But then he doesn't explain what THAT is either.

I think he does this to make himself feel cool.... like he knows something that other people don't. He protects himself from being debunked and ridiculed by using his special language.... because how do you argue against useless gibberish that doesn't mean anything?

I would totally agree that he's seeking validation from someone who actually knows something about science.... good luck with that, buddy, but we scientists tend to like investigating things that are real using observable evidence, and then communicating results effectively with other people. But I do have to say that I'm pretty damn excited to see what null space is like. If it has lots of ice cream, I'm in.

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